Hey blog! Am I glad to see you (: You are the only thing other than God I can be completely truthful to, because you're a good listener, you don't try to solve my problems, you don't judge me you just, accept :D Haha well time for another emotherapy~

Hmmm my first year of poly life just ended! Managed to somehow scrape through my final year examinations thank God and I'm enjoying my, truthfully speaking, undeserved holidays but whatever~ 6 weeks of goodness :3 Heh looking back I really think I severely overlooked this portion of my life, my academics, classmates, CCA, ECE society. I didn't try to build it, didn't care about it and well at the end of it I see that I've reaped what I've sown, nothing :/ No relationships to speak of, no knowledge gained, no achievement achieved... no legacy left behind :x It came to my attention that this is something God put in my life for a reason and I need to be faithful with it. It takes up a large portion of my life and I intend to get it right, be faithful in the little things and well I hope God will reveal the bigger things He intends for me in life~

I also started looking back at all the relationships I've ever had. Recently a friend have been talking about how she felt that she didn't have real friends, all the relationships she had were superficial. That's something I understand many teenagers struggle with and hopefully something I'll never have to. Anyway I realize that I too don't have a really wide circle of people I can share things with, not many people I can understand nor seek their understanding. I realize its not being authentic I struggle with, its actually caring about people. I find it hard to, putting it crudely, give a damn about things :/ I would rather just live my carefree life and that proves a setback in my building of relationships with people. I mean for me it's easy being authentic because thats something the church taught me since I was young, I have no problems opening up myself to others, even strangers because by the Grace of God I've never been hurt by anyone outside my family. But when I do want to share something that's really weighing on my heart I see the value in sharing it with someone I'm close to rather than just anyone. When I do look around... I finally understand what my friend was talking about with superficial relationships and stuff. I used to think that so long as I can have fun and talk crap with people they're my friends, if I do need to share something thats on my heart I can always turn to my leaders in church. But now I'm feeling the need for a peer to share things with, someone who doesn't have all the answers but struggles through it with me. I look at the people that I talk to, mainly girls because guys sharing stuff with each other would be gay X.x ( Okay for the church people, I know the church stand well, especially after the TLW sermon series but in all honesty, sharing emotions with females feels better :/ I'm sure you get what I mean. ) But looking at people that I talk to, I find that it is hard to relate to or talk deeply with any of them, even those I was once close with. Either she is in JC and will keep talking about JC life which I can't empathize with, or she is in poly and well I'm not close to anyone in poly, or someone from church which means she's probably younger than I am and I can't talk deeply with because I must carry myself well as a leader and protect member's hearts. And even for guy friends well theres only so much we can share before I cross the boundary of gayness so yeah... The only active social circle I have now is with church members and I only see them once or twice a week... Sooo yup, I have no life~ I'm just hoping I can someday find someone that I can understand and that person can understand me and maybe, just maybe, we can end up dating or something :P

Okay ANYWAY pardon my round a bout way of getting to my point, it's pretty late and I'm pretty brain dead so yea :/ Oya one more thing I just realized is that just because two person are authentic to each other doesn't mean they are close. Yup so thats about it hai pretty long rant tonight huh? (: So yea gonna talk to God about all these and go to sleep! Nights ^^