You know what? I'll trust that this post isn't being read by any church people, and if it is being read, well not my fault I'm still human and the leaders can counsel or whatever me after that. I've really need an outlet for this thing if not I might explode. I definitely can't post it on Facebook due to the 1035 "friends" that I have, can't post it on Twitter due to the word limit, and Tumblr cause the person I'm talking about uses it fervently. So the only outlet I can think of is my blog where its practically dead and no one reads it. The stuff that I'm gonna write in this blog will really sound really retarded to most people, but guess what? This is my problem, if I'm emotionally immature I can't help it can I? So if you're just gonna laugh at my naivety, just gtfo thanks, I don't need you to read my blog.

Yup all started like 2 months or so ago when I was messaging this girl and she was messaging me back. It was really fun and all, took the boredom outta school and stuff. First time a girl messages me so often too, was really a fresh experience for me. Then I found out this girl had a crush in church so I was like really interested to find out who it was lah. She didn't wanna tell me who it was but promised she'll tell me before the crush ended so I didn't pester her to tell me who it was.

Guess what? One night I was talking to a guy about how I might be liking this girl and I was also talking to her about how long it has been since she promised she'd tell me the crush. Then she said she couldn't tell me who the crush was and she changed crush. I tell you, I was really super sian after that. Took a jog to get my mind off things. Well admittedly it WAS my fault as a leader not protecting my own heart so well can't blame anyone. What made me so sian was not cause she broke her promise or anything but that she kept me guessing even though she changed crush.

Alright so that was last Sunday when I made that discovery. So I was really moody after that. Monday I took my last paper and Tues the guy sleptover at my house, on Wed I went overseas with my family and well on Thurs and Fri the guy invited me to sleepover at his house and I though oh what the heck might as well. I told him everything and he managed to find out from the girl that her crush was actually me and that she really don't have a new crush. Normally I would have been happy ttm since no girl has actually liked me before. But now you've got to understand I'm a leader in church and she was my cell member and I might as well be diving into a pool of magma. So anyway went to his house to take my mind off things for awhile and I really thought that he could help me and understand me. Oh yea btw he's also my cell member. I thought I was fine with everything already and I got over it and all so I happily went to church on Sat with him. I didn't realize that seeing her affected me so much. Like she was complaining throughout the week that I was daoing her but I realized that she was actually daoing me in church every week and we talked only on MSN or SMS. Then I also don't know what went wrong with me, maybe cause it was night and all but I got the super emo feeling again. I can't explain why I feel emo sometimes and I feel so retarded. But whatever lah huh, it was the first time in a long time I could be alone at home at night. Luckily I borrowed a chunk load of Archie comics from the guy's house to read and get my mind off the matter. I felt tired eventually and just fell asleep. Now its Sunday which is today. It is the day now and well I don't usually emo during the day so I felt pretty alright, ate my lunch and lounging at the computer as usual. Then I received a message from that guy telling me the girl was emoing to him about this thing on MSN through video call and I think he's got fed up or something or got influenced by her emoing and told me to do lots of stuff and to "protect her damn heart... haha" =.= after that message I felt so angry and frustrated. I mean I slept over at his house for 2 nights, let my pride as a leader down and told him everything that I was struggling with, and one video call from a girl emoing and he tells me this kind of crap. What an asshole. I mean, he's been through a lot of this kind of stuff cause he's really popular with the girls and stuff, lots of girls fell for him and HE tells me to protect her damn heart, uhmm really just the advice I needed from a guy like you dude, thanks a lot.

Okay I really hope no one reads this post cause I also feel really stupid posting it online, but it feels better than ranting to a wall anyway. I can't rant to my cell members well, cause I'm a leader and I gotta hold myself like one. I can't rant to my cell leaders cause they're gonna tell me the same old thing about protecting girls hearts and setting boundaries and how I shouldn't be affected by this kind of thing, neither can I rant it to friends outside church cause they're gonna be like "awww poor you, just pray and lift it to God lah (:" and like I don't know that and they won't know exactly whats going on in my church either. I also ranted to that guy but see how things turned out? So too bad lor, poor me have to rant to a stupid online web page.

FML